Who plays the Watchmen? Not me, that’s for sure. As a long time fan of the comic and one of the few who didn’t sperg out at the movie not being a 7 hour long literal translation of the comic, I don’t worry too much when I heard Warner Brothers was making a simple beat’em up for digital distribution. I could handle a cool little two player nod to the old school game play I grew up on, downloadable on Xbox Live, PlayStation Network or on Steam for the PC. I’m not even afraid of a prequel, the idea of following the earlier adventures of Rorschach and Nite Owl sounds like a hoot (the more a game sucks, the better I feel about using puns). But somehow they messed up a pretty simple formula and Watchmen: The End is Nigh isn’t even worthy of a comic book you would wipe your ass with.

I guess in reviewing terms I just blew my load. You have no point in reading on now that you know I don’t like this game, so I’ll try to keep this brief. You know when you and a friend play Ninja Turtles and you fight a bunch of ninjas and you do all the moves and things are going well for awhile but then you start to get bored and all of the sudden a giant Krang will pop out and start fighting you or you fall down the sewers and fight new monsters and each level is different and you never know what the boss fight will be like and every time you put a quarter in they yell COWABUNGA and you just want to high five your bro and you love being a turtle? That doesn’t happen in Watchmen.

You spend 1600 Microsoft Points or $20 to fight the same boring henchmen, doing the same moves over and over and fighting only one boss in the entire stinking game. The movie was a better value, cheaper and certainly had more blue dongs in it then this horrible excuse for a movie title. Don’t be fooled, the game looks slick, we all love the characters and the idea of beating people stupid and brutally murdering them with the awesome finishing moves, but it just never pans out.

Grab the free demo, go watch the movie, read the book and go back to playing Ninja Turtles with a buddy which you can buy on Xbox Live Arcade for less then half the price and unlike this title, you can actually play it online. Yeah, the most expensive game on Live doesn’t even have online play. Thanks Warner Bros!