I hate a lot of movies. I think if you have read any of my articles, you find I hate a lot of stuff and while I hate top ten lists, I decided to write a short article on the 10 movies I hated the most from 2009. Keep in mind I haven’t seen every movie of 2009 and I’m sure your tastes will be different and I’m sure a bunch of people like a lot of these movies either honestly or ironically (if you do, you should stop that) but everything I saw about these movies will be true.
Right off the bat, I’m dropping standard fare stuff like Bride Wars, kids movies or film festival junk unless they are violently bad, because I only have 10 choices here.
10. Old Dogs
I like Robin Williams. I enjoy him acting goofy every now and then like one enjoys taking a big, difficult, ass tearing shit. If you go to shit one day and you have to push really hard and it hurts and you are panting and worried and afraid you are never going to shit again, but then WOOSH comes a giant rock of a turd too big to even fit in your ass and you leap off the toilet to see what kind of mess you just created and look at it with this strange sense of wonder, awe and respect before you quickly flush it and hope to god that never happens again, that’s like watching a Robin Williams movie. You know it’s a big shit and it shouldn’t happen, but damned if you didn’t just do it and then you can’t wait to tell your close friends (or readers) about. Now if that happened every week, you would hate it or possibly be dying of ass cancer, or more likely watching this latest comedy disaster from Robin Williams, John Travolta and a giant fake gorilla. I can’t imagine the glee on the face of the writer when he got to trot out his actor in a fake animal suit bit, but that is all this movie is about.
9. The Stepfather
This is one of many movies on this list I didn’t even bother to see. Judging by the instantly to DVD release, you didn’t either so don’t give me any crap over it. The doctor from Nip/Tuck must have pissed all his money away or wanted to grab the brass ring that his co-actor did when he assumed the role of Doctor Doom in Fantastic Four the horrible sequel to a movie that never should have been made. This movie is pretty cookie cutter horror/drama. The stepfather is an asshole and tries to kill his step kids. There, you don’t need to see this horrible movie either now. Feel free to send me your ticket price.
8. Aliens in the Attic
Any movie that has an old person doing something wacky and unexpected physically thanks to the aid of CGI will never be good. Legion proved this as well, but Aliens in the Attic gets a nice nod for beating them to the old lady doing flips and shit in horrible CGI punch. Yes, this is the movie for you if you ever watched the matrix on TBS while smoking a bowl and accidently switched the channel to Everybody Loves Rayman and wished Ray’s mom would do wire fu. The movie mashes up gremlins with a bowl of cereal as movie execs try to sell kids on horrible aliens who lack basic characteristics to separate them. I think one rides a skateboard and the other one does meth. They really ran out of ideas when it came to picking things the youths of today like doing. The kids save the day while inept adults fumble around. The Goonies seems like the last movie that pulled of the kids rule/adults drool vibe without making everyone mumbling retards (it even had a mumbling retard in it too).
7. The Ugly Truth
The guy from 300 is trying in a race with the guy from Wolverine to run away from anime comic book nerds and fall into the arms of fat women who own way too many cats with yet another romantic comedy about men not getting women but being totally hot while they don’t get them. See the crutch of this movie is men like to make the sex and women like to cuddle while eating ice cream or something. In a sea of standard romantic comedies this one stands above the rest as unwatchable. More so if you get angry that he is wasting his time and finely oiled muscles making this crap instead of more action movies.
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
It’s hard not to grow up as a nerd in the 90’s and not love Wolverine. At one point in history he was in every comic book, even the DC titles. The short Canadian ball of hair was awesome extracted to ink. Before the age of the internet and irony, a silk screen printed wolverine shirt would be the ultimate in cool. You had two kinds of Wolverine, the beer drinking ninja killing throat ripping unstoppable death machine that we all loved and the toned down kid friendly cartoon Wolverine that never used his claws like we knew he could. Wolverine Origins was a mixed back, because it was the first time Wolverine was allowed to stab, slice and kill with reckless abandon, sliding just under a PG-13, to what should have instantly been an unrated DVD edition. This looked good, even after X-Men 3 did it’s best to shit all over the X-Men as much as possible.
Wolverine is the only movie on this list that actually isn’t a bad movie for what it is. I’m pulling the fanboy card on this one and calling it a shitty movie for what it wasn’t. What this movie could have been, the one I play in my head when I stick butter knives in the fingers and run around calling everyone bub, is what kills me. They tacked on the most pointless love story, made horrible choices in character design and turned the whole thing into a random cavalcade of cameos and clichés. Deadpool deserved better then being turned into some mimic freak albino with no mouth. It looks like FOX mixed up the character designs for Dead Pool with some bullshit Silent Hill monster. The game was just about as frustrating as well, so much wasted potential.
Parody movies used to be my favorite. I miss the days of Airplane, Naked Gun and even Hot Shots. I guess all the great comedy writers moved on to Judd Apatow gross out sex films about sex and sexing. How can you mess this movie up? The idea is you get a bunch of hot broads and make a few vampire dick jokes and everyone goes home happy. I get my fill of vampire titties from HBO’s adorably bad for you True Blood series, so this movie already has one foot in the grave. Just about every joke falls flat and the few that do have some spark of humor are trampled to death quicker then any recent SNL skit.
4. Dragonball Evolution
I didn’t see this movie either, but the only way it could be worse is if Frankie Muniz was in it. Wait, was he? No he wasn’t, but I could have totally fooled you. The only good thing to come out of this movie was it upset a lot of anime nerds who complained that Hollywood ruined their children’s cartoon about guys with tails who turn into monkeys during full moons running around the globe looking for dragon balls that grant wishes.
3. All About Steve
You know a movie is bad when Sandra Bullock is in it. Aside from maybe Demolition Man, she has never been in anything good. How Hollywood made her the generic woman to star in every generic role ever is beyond me. But now she has the means to punish viewers by funding movies of her own. All About Steve is her movie. She said, “Let’s make this movie”, and then gathered up hundreds of people for months on end to make it. This wasn’t an accident, or a drunken mistake. This was submitted, planned, written, drafted, designed and produced with millions of dollars and time. People had to get up in the morning kiss their wife goodbye and then head into the battlefield that was All About Steve the movie set.
The greatest generation my ass, those people don’t get any award shows or medals.
2. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
It’s pretty easy to hate on the Jonas Brothers. Good looking, douche bag singers are always easy to hate. But these guys douche their game up even more by managing to be the biggest teen group since Menudo, yet refusing to bang any broads with this purity ring nonsense. All three of them combined don’t look like they could figure out what to do with a lady, but that is besides the point here. They are abusing the power of being rock stars and while that might make sense when their target demographic happens to be teen Disney, it is enough to turn any straight male against them. The only three D’s I want to see with the Jonas Brother is death, dismemberment and disemboweling.
1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I can’t explain how much this movie sucks. I just don’t have the words. Well, the movie had the words. Let me go dig it up,
“I am directly below enemy scrotum.”
This movie is two hours (three? I passed out during most of it) of getting tea bagged by robots. Now I you might be saying, “Well you just don’t enjoy mindless action movies”. Well, no, I do enjoy them, a lot. I love a good mindless action movie. Nothing is more fun then watching cool shit happen for no reason and not caring. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a horrible example of this. It doesn’t ask that you unplug your mind, it assumes you have no mind and it must shit in your skull to fill it up.
Not a single thing about this movie makes it worth watching, other action movies have done it better. The story makes no sense, the robots look like jumbled up boxes of silverware and the robots never even get into any cool fights. You never once get the payoff of a giant ass robot wrecking shit. Instead you get the silverware tornado of action with the standard Michael Bay shots of planes and army dudes running around pointlessly. Don’t even get me started on the fact they wrote piss, fart and race jokes for robots. This movie insults humanity. It is calling you retarded and well aware of the fact that you are so retarded you already purchased your ticket for Transformers 3.
This should be the new IQ test, pull a kid out of school and make him watch this entire movie. Then after the movie if he hoots and tries to high five you, save all the funding you would spend on him for somebody else because this moron is going to be flipping burgers and funding more shitty movies like this with his minimum wage “let’s smoke a bowl and drown out our fucking miserable lives with 2 or 3 hours of nonsense” movie going dollars.
“I am directing my scrotum into your mouth America” – Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 3.Last 5 posts by Brian Jones
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