I never really played God of War 1 or 2. I liked the idea, but never bothered. I’m incredibly happy that I picked up God of War 3 for the PlayStation 3. This is the game the system was meant to have. It looks start to finish the most impressive of any game I’ve ever seen. This game is mindboggling when it comes to the scale, graphics and level of detail that Sony put into this flagship title. Over the top doesn’t begin to describe this adventure, here, listen to this internal monologue from my first time playing this title.

“Okay, so I’m climbing on this mountain side, in the middle of the ocean, and it appears this thing is moving, the mountain or whatever I’m on. Well, it turns out this is some Titan goddess made of wood and I could fit happily inside one of her nostrils. She’s climbing the side of the mountain for me, trying to reach Zeus the big head God of this world. We get stopped by a giant horse made out of water and it impales the tree lady (who has boobs made of tree that swing and sway in real time) and I end up fighting it while hanging on to her shoulder. She starts moving about and the fight gets weird cause I end up hanging off her armpit or something as we tumble down the cliff. Several fight scenes later I best this giant horse water monster, only to find out it was one of several on the chariot to the GOD POSIDEN.

So now I, Kratos, the mortal man, must fight the god of the ocean. So whatever, I start beating his ass, tearing him down and I launch myself right through his giant water heart, apparently his human body was hiding inside of it like a power ranger. As his water corpse leaks back into the ocean, his metal armor falling with the water in stunning real time as we take the fight up to the cliff side. In one of the greatest uses of a Quick Time Event (QTE) I beat the remaining snot out of him and plunge my thumbs into his eyes, blinding him and throwing his lifeless body back into the sea. My wrath doesn’t even stop there, because his corpse hits the water like an atom bomb and proceeds to raise the water level killing thousands of fruity looking roman people in gowns. Kratos stands alone on the cliff, somehow still covered in blood while the world below him turns into Waterworld 2 and the intro cinematic rolls because that was just the first fucking level.”

The game doesn’t stop from that point either. The battles get bigger, the world is so amazingly detailed and the vengeance of Kratos is enough to give Batman a boner. In a video game world full of tough guys, Kratos is so insanely over the top he circles back from a laughable parody right back into being the most amazing and awesome dude you will ever know. They should put a warning on the box reminding you not to slap your HDTV trying to high five your newest and bestest brofriend. It’s amazingly fun to play the macho bag of god hating muscle that is Kratos, the unstoppable dick head that does whatever he has to for his vengeance.

Since I never played the first two titles, I’m a little off on the story. The game does a good job of catching you, but I can’t help the feeling that I did a lot of wrong stuff to people and it’s a little insulting to have them throw it in my face. The best part is you can find little letters from people while you fight your way out of hell (apparently not the first time he has done this) that chronicle all the asshole moves you pulled in the previous titles. I’m sure I’ll go back and play the first two and get deeper meaning with the crazy shit I’m doing in this one. I wonder what my motivation was for killing the wife of Hades. Why did I chuck his wife’s coffin into his chest in this game? Whatever the reason, I’m glad I did it because it LOOKED AWESOME.

That’s pretty much what this game boils down to, it’s just awesome. Pointless violence, nudity and cornball dialog that would find a perfect home in any 80’s action movie, this game has it all. God of War 3 is a beautiful, fun and fleeting adventure, well worth the price tag and good enough to beat a few times, keeping it on the shelf to impress friends and remind them why you have a PS3.