“5 o’clock, bitch raping time” – latest Predator catchphrase

If you are a manly man like me, you enjoyed the hell out of Predator. It was nothing but macho men doing manly things and being bad asses. An entire cast of baby oiled muscles shooting and cursing and coming up with classic lines such as “I ain’t got time to bleed”. Nobody had time to bleed during that movie, it was fast and hard and sweaty and all these men got together to kill vagina mouthed monsters with their thick, hard weapons. Hell yeah, makes me want to work out and learn how to shoot a gun!

Then the sequel came out a few years later and made the tragic mistake of replacing the muscular beefcake with Danny “I’m too old for this shit” Glover. And then another Predator movie was never made again, until Robert Rodriguez decided to reboot or remake or make a boot out of the franchise with Predators. The “s” at the end means more than one.

So the previews looked cool, seems like they had a bunch of people crash land on the Predator’s home world, and you keep seeing a lot of this Adrian Brody fellow, nice guy, he must be the weak little scientist of the group! Haha, bring along a science nerd to help the muscle men pack more protein into their diets, good move! The R rating also makes me think this will be nothing but a blood bath! Another good move! I even like the addition of the Yakuza guy, that means he is going to be silent and wait and just explode with a kick ass sword fight! Hey, Laurence Fishburne is in this too, looks like he found the Predator’s all you can eat buffet, but whatever, looks exciting.

So the movie is starting now. Spoilers and all that, you know the drill. The movie opens with Adrian Brody falling from the sky. Great, send out the little science nerd first. Hmmm, they are spending a lot of time on this guy. Oh wait, never mind the rest of the team are dropping! Here comes the muscle! Oh, a chick. Well, okay, fine. But the next guy… fat Russian. Okay, hang in there; they just have to get huge soon. Well a few drops later and we get the plucky Yakuza guy, some African dude with acceptable muscles, and the skinny guy from “The Shield” and Danny “Mother Fucking” Trejo. Oh wait, Topher Grace decided to round out the skinny cast. Maybe the plan is all these wimps will get together and try to pick up a gun. I don’t know, I don’t care, screw them, maybe the Predators will win for once. They certainly have the weight advantage here.

So the movie takes about 30 minutes to walk around the jungle and explain all these dudes are assholes (aside from Topher Grace who is a doctor) from Earth and the Predators want to hunt them. Man is, after all, the most entertaining animal to hunt, we get a lot of good hits in and usually have cool things to say between them. So finally, maybe these guys will find a gym and hit it hard and come back in a year or so with giant muscles and be ready to kill the… wait, nope, they are just pressing on with the current plan of walking around.

I forgot which came first, but for some reason, this gray alien looking Predator is here as well and made out of bugs and they kill him quickly and learn they can survive together! Then and/or maybe before that, they fight some Predator dogs and nearly waste all their ammo to learn that wasn’t even the main event! It’s like an hour into the movie and I’m getting antsy that nothing muscular will appear and kick ass. So far it’s been skinny wimps, alien stretch monsters and dogs. Will something with a decent BMI make an appearance!

Well, on the other end of the weight spectrum, here comes Laurence Fishburne. Apparently he has been eating the red and blue pills. I don’t want to call the man fat, but apparently when the Oracle suggested he might be the one, she actually meant the two. All kidding aside, I can’t find a viable reason for him to be in the movie! He apparently is a survivor of the predator hunts, making it a few seasons, salvaging whatever he can and being crazy. He has all this cool Predator equipment and lives in a spaceship or something, who has time to explain this stuff! But he is a dirty dog and tries to kill the gang so he can collect their nearly expended ammo and way too small for him clothes. The fight attracts the Predators to his safe house and he decided to bravely charge the predators he has been fighting for nearly 10 years with his fists and instantly explodes before he even gets a swing in. Never has a character arc fallen so fast!

Some more stuff happens in the jungle, they try to run away and the quiet Yakuza dude decides this is his role in the movie by fighting the Predator with a sword he found. Yeah, he found a sword, apparently they have been doing this for awhile, which makes me wish we could see like Civil War soldiers fighting them with muskets and crap. The sword fight was completely pointless, but again, this is a movie about people flown to another planet to fight monsters, so stuff simply happens because it is cool. The sword fight was cool. People applauded, when the Yakuza dude made his dash towards the Predator and was the only one left standing. I held my applause because I’ve seen a lot of sword fights and know what I’m doing here. Of course, the Yakuza dude was hit and falls down shortly after. I bet all those people who clapped feel stupid now. We should all feel stupid, but who cares. PREDATORS!

So the cast whittles down to Adrian “Yell his name like Rocky does, cause he is pretty much a girl in this movie” Brody, the jungle chick and Topher Grace. Topher so far has been proven to be useless, he got the Russian killed, basically runs around pointing out flowers and now he has stepped in a bear trap. This is odd, because I haven’t seen any bears here, but I imagine the Predators like to get drunk and wrestle them in their spare time. Adrian wants to ditch him (he probably saw Spider-man 3) and Jungle chick doesn’t. So Adrian makes the big anti-hero move of leaving them to die while he hops a space flight home. Oh, they found a space ship and saved another Predator and their buddy Predator will fly them home after they kill the last remaining dick Predator.

Left alone with Topher, Jungle Chick finds out he is a serial killer and he tries to rape her with some plant poison, but the Buddy Predator was defeated in combat by the Dick Predator just as the space ship was taking off. He naturally blows the ship up and for like 5 seconds we all think Adrian is dead and finally, it’s 5 0’clock. But nope, the hero is an anti-anti hero, making him a hero and he saves the girl and sets up a trap using Topher as bait, again, but this time he deserves it.

Adrian takes off his shirt and covers himself in mud, like some tiny Jewish version of Arnold from the first one. I guess he saw that episode of Myth Busters and figured the mud trick would no longer work, so he sets a fire and tries to trick the Dick Predator by blinding him with heat. I don’t know why this needed him to wear mud. But after a flurry of dainty smacks he defeats the Predator and saves the day. They both hobble off into the jungle to start Predators 2: Predatorses.

In all, this movie was not bad. It looked amazing coming of the heels of Aliens vs Predator, better then the sequel, but nothing as culturally important or muscular as the first one. It was a good try. If you want muscles and men and macho, hold out for Expendables.

Last 5 posts by Brian Jones



Categories: Action, Featured, Movies, Sci-Fi

4 Responses so far.

  1. Dustin says:

    What about muscles and men and nachos?

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