Hollywood, CA – Today Charlie Sheen has announced that he will step down from his position on “Two and a Half Men”, releasing his death grip on the mundane comedy show that currently fuels his alcohol, drug and hooker binges that have terrorized the nation for nearly a decade.

No longer on the number one comedy show in America, it is expected that Sheen will lose his Sheen, allowing the world to shine a spot light on his past deeds and see him for the troubled dick that he really is. No longer will America mildly chuckle at the on screen antics of Sheen in his comedy role that requires him to tone down his womanizing and rampant drug use, to play a character known for his womanizing and drug use.

Sheen has agreed to dismantle his attack on comedy and shut down the production of new shows that soothes our parents into sleep each week. Left in his wake is former victim/co-star Jon “Duckie” Cryer, who responded with the optimistic view that the show would continue without Sheen.  The half man, Angus Jones is reported to be firmly locked in Stockholm Syndrome, agreeing that Sheen is a great role model and a good man that has never shot any of his ex-wives.

Image of Sheen in the Arrival

Sheen seen on the cover a Sci-Fi movie

Little is known about what will happen to the economy of local drug users and prostitutes, but local Madame Rose Johnson has already felt the hit. “The girls are in a panic, many never expected the possibility of Sheen either stepping down or  worse yet, cleaning up his act. They don’t have anything to fall back on”, she said in despair.

Hopefully America can pick up the pieces of this tragedy and focus on what is ahead, already looking to fill the enormous comedy gap left by Sheen and his cohorts, the masses have set their sites on lifting up aging actor William Shatner in his new show “SH*T My Dad Says”. In which Shatner plays a father that says shit.

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